when confronted with the ephemeral beauty of the natural world, you developed this philosophy midway through your teens: (click: "this")[the only act of preservation that would save the flower’s petal from its fall to the pavement was consumption.]
(click: "consumption.")[you would hold the dew of every morning the blossom bore witness to ritualistically to your tongue and savour the transient taste of the dawn in all of its freshness.](click: "savour")[ you never cared how bitter it would be when you chewed and swallowed, because this was an act of salvation.]
(click: "salvation.")[somewhere in your stomach, the flower would disintegrate and become a part of you, and as your body accepted it, petal to flesh, you would bear the responsibility of becoming the flower.]
(click: "becoming the flower.") [through your heart it would [[bloom forever.]]]you tended your garden well, and as you entered adulthood, your philosophy became an obsession.
(click: "obsession.")[you hungered for precious little things you could take and turn, worshipping their image as it manifested inside yourself.]
(click: "worshipping")[your small religion made you reclusive and misunderstood, and you never had much luck in connecting to people.]
(click: "connecting to people.")[so it was only when you first saw them,](click: "them,")[ feather-light and floating in their white dress;](click: "floating") [ with skin like new lilies,](click: "lilies,") [ that you realised that [[people were things too.]]]they were weak and you were insatiable.
(click: "insatiable.")[you spent the next few weeks memorising their routine, their mannerisms, the curves of their wrists.](click: "memorising")[ you practised opening lines in front of a mirror until you were sure you sounded stupid, burying your face in a pillow in exasperation.](click: "burying your face in a pillow")[ imagining kissing them with tongue,](click: "kissing")[ then taking their cane,](click: "cane,")[ or something bigger and heavier,](click: "heavier,")[ and bashing their skull in so no one else would have a chance to hurt them.]
(click: "no one else")[you would protect them from the horrors of monotony, misfortune, and malaise.]
(click: "protect")[[[how|how]] could you [[masturbate]] to something like that?]with great pleasure, you learnt the two of you shared a passion for stargazing.(click: "stargazing.")[ you were no stranger to the night’s temptations, and often looked to the sky for answers in your sleepless seclusion.]
(click: "answers")[now, with a curious intent, you stalked your shining star to their usual spot by the riverbank.]
(click: "stalked")[with a heart beating like a moth’s wings, you emerged from the shadows and stood beside them, staring at the city’s reflection in the water.]
(click: "stood beside them,")[the night was too thick for them to see you blush at the sound of their breathing, and you shared that innocent moment together in silence](click: "innocent")[ until they pointed out a swan and her cygnets to you.]
(click: "cygnets")[you showed them the eagle constellation in response and [[they smiled.|they smiled]]]a flower drenched in dew that blooms (cycling-link: "enraptured", "defiant", "vermillion") in the night.
the precious culmination of her beauty makes you weak:
your body, faint from hunger in her (cycling-link: "fragrant, crimson", "omnipresent", "sacrificial") light.
you've never felt (cycling-link: "this ravenous", "quite so aroused"). her petals to your lips;
let (cycling-link: "purity", "decadence") sustain you. all the (cycling-link: "answers", "questions", "prayers") that you seek
are holy in the stem you crush with bloody fingertips.
(click: "crush")[your mouth needs more and more. you take the (cycling-link: "feather", "white neck") of a swan
and turn her into (cycling-link: "sugar", "teardrops") with an all-consuming kiss.
you are devotion's incarnation in the dawn
that floods your tongue with (cycling-link: "viscous", "vicious") love, displayed in (cycling-link: "shameless", "shameful") red.
yes, this alone is what you're made for. you were born for this:
preserving perfect specimens before they're (cycling-link: "dull", "cold", "safe") and dead.]
(click: "dead.")[fresh meat, blue blood, a butchered (cycling-link: "calf", "thing", "pet"). you treat her with respect:
the only way you (cycling-link: "know", "want", "care") to mourn, with flesh between your teeth.
the only way you know to love: devour and (cycling-link: "connect;", "dissect;")
metabolise your martyr and you will become a saint!
the morsels of your muses will be cells that dwell beneath
your skin and your voracity: your (cycling-link: "love", "prey") without (cycling-link: "restraint.", "complaint.")]
(click: "voracity")[exalting the unborn before they have the chance to thrive,
your food is always (cycling-link: "living", "dying")! let its (cycling-link: "love", "hate"), at least, survive:
(cycling-link: "souls", "flames", "fear", "pain") coursing through your arteries for you to feel [[alive.|people were things too.]]]oh, it was torture.(click: "torture.")[ you saw the shine of the moon in their lip gloss, and the scent of lilacs growing near matched the colour of their eyes.]
(click: "eyes.")[they were so very [[beautiful.]]]you awkwardly dropped your gaze, then, so as not to see them turn from you.(click: "turn")[ for a few minutes longer, you stood side by side -](click: "side by side -") [ until they departed, their retreating silhouette a sliver of silver in the night.]
(click: "they departed,")[ as soon as you were sure they would no longer look back, you shoved a fistful of lilacs into your mouth.](click: "lilacs")[ the flowers had fed on the carbon dioxide they exhaled, and would purify your [[darkest thoughts.]]]
(click: "purify")[you needed to buy [[chloroform.]]]pleasure derives from the dirt.
(click: "pleasure derives from the dirt.")[there is a structural hierarchy that the distillation of pleasure follows.](click: "distillation of pleasure")[ in order to understand the components as they are generated, we can conceptualise pleasure through the life cycle of a flowering plant.]
(click: "flowering plant.")[seeds germinate and force their roots deeper down, reaching for the centre of the earth before becoming the shoot that breaches its boundary.](click: "force")[ as agents of pleasure, our genesis is in our connection to the real and rigid.](click: "genesis")[ pleasure theory dictates that transformation is an inevitable cycle, but our origin demands honour in turn.](click: "origin")[ as we grow towards the light we seek, we must remember to tend to what remains unseen.]
(click: "light")[at this stage, experience will bud and begin to blossom.](click: "bud")[ our awareness of the blooms is critical to the divine genesis we are nurturing.](click: "blooms")[ flowers exemplify [[pleasure in its purest form:|pleasure in its purest form]] sweetness, truth, and beauty.]the preparations you made in the following weeks almost cost you your composure.
(click: "cost")[when you ran into them at the local bookshop with a false sense of serendipity, the wry grin you wore as you imagined their shackled ankles almost gave you away.]
(click: "shackled ankles")[no, no - you wanted to cut their legs off and eat them as you watched them crawl around like a pup.](click: "eat")[ they would be your helpless doll,](click: "helpless")[ a sacramental meal,](click: "meal,")[ and the only god in the world worshipped through desecration.](click: "desecration.")[ you wanted to pluck out their eyes and sanctify your teeth with them, but you carried the conversation with all the dignity you still possessed.]
(click: "sanctify")[did they flutter their lashes at you?]
(click: "lashes")[you needed to prostrate yourself where you stood.]
(click: "prostrate")[begging for forgiveness, you tore pages of [[poetry]] from their volumes and left the store with [[a mouthful of wet paper.]]]through our stigma, we sense the stars.
(click: "through our stigma, we sense the stars.")[through our style, we sense our volition.]
(click: "through our style, we sense our volition.")[through our ovary, we sense the oceans.]
(click: "through our ovary, we sense the oceans.")[through our filament, we sense our love.]
(click: "through our filament, we sense our love.")[through our anther, we sense the sun.]
(click: "through our anther, we sense the sun.")[through our petal, we sense our vitality.]
(click: "through our petal, we sense our vitality.")[[[through our sepal, we sense the planet.|sepal]]]the flower is a composite image that requires iconographies, and hence, preservation derives from the dirt.
(click: "preservation derives from the dirt.")[we will not let our pleasure go to waste.]
(click: "we will not let our pleasure go to waste.")[the most radiant lotus rises from the thickest mud.](click: "lotus")[ we lick at the scum of the heaving menstrual earth, honing our parched tongue on the buried element that gave us life.](click: "scum")[ the wounds of the world ooze crude oil and we drink from the source to stanch the flow.](click: "source")[ we do this to propagate the seeds of our pleasure.]
(click: "propagate the seeds of our pleasure.")[if you are truly my lotus flower, then you derive from the dirt.]
(click: "derive from the dirt.")[if you are truly my lotus flower, then [[i will see you again.|beautiful.]]]the tears my lover sheds run deep as angels bearing sap -
(click: "angels")[the sweetness of the lotus tree, a momentary spell]
(click: "sweetness")[of wounded wing and silver bone. my devils swarming, rapt,]
(click: "devils")[to covet pearls of paradise with jaws of hopeless hell.]
(click: "jaws")[i fear i am a parasite upon my lover’s veins,]
(click: "parasite")[a delicate mycelium that haunts their fragrant soil,]
(click: "fragrant")[their soul, their living lavender. my mania remains]
(click: "mania")[and flowers into blissful flesh, a bruise refusing spoil.]
(click: "flesh,")[my lover’s tongue has poetry inscribed upon its root,]
(click: "tongue")[and i will taste that mercy and forgiveness on their skin.]
(click: "forgiveness")[i am not without sin, for flowers alter into fruit -]
(click: "fruit -")[digesting endless martyrdom, [[idolatry|chloroform.]] within.]you did not meet a third time for fear of abusing the powers of coincidence.(click: "abusing")[ they missed you, no doubt.]
(click: "they missed you,")[you, with an unusual depth to your words, a blush that reached your ears,](click: "blush")[ and fingers that couldn’t help twitching as you imagined wrapping them around their neck.]
(click: "twitching")[how you pined for a casual coffee at their favourite cafe, an impromptu picnic at the park.](click: "pined")[ maybe they’d pick out an eagle pin to add to the strap of their bag as they loitered in the gift shop of the botanical gardens.]
(click: "eagle")[you [[prayed]] they would not [[forget]] you.]the longer you waited for the perfect night, the deeper the sun set on your thoughts.(click: "sun set")[ the only light in your eyes was winged and predatory.]
(click: "predatory.")[their celestial body would soon be yours to deflower, petals unravelling like a full moon becoming new again.](click: "moon")[ the virgin crescent;](click: "virgin")[ the tears they’d cry;](click: "tears")[ the light they shed on everything they touched would all be yours.]
(click: "touched")[you would kiss their fingertips and know chastity again,](click: "chastity")[ then sacrifice it all to kiss their shoulders and collarbones.](click: "sacrifice")[ they’d softly whimper when you’d slip your hands under their shirt and stroke their back, not daring to touch their breasts.]
(click: "daring")[they were almost flat-chested, almost - and it drove you crazy.]
(click: "drove you crazy.")[on second thoughts, maybe you would feel them up after all, rubbing their nipples as you marked up their neck.](click: "marked up")[ they’d bruise wonderfully, with the yellowish tones of a wilted [[magnolia]] bud.]will you remember (cycling-link: "everything", "anything") you've eaten in your life?
engorged on broken (cycling-link: "memories", "promises", "sanctity") and baptised in the dew
that quivers on a peony's cheeks, her (cycling-link: "hot and fragrant", "variegated", "soft and subtle", "fierce and tender", "manufactured") tears
that trace the salt inside of you. like sapphires in kidneys,
deposits of a conscious ocean (cycling-link: "cluster in", "propagate") your (cycling-link: "veins.", "brain.", "mouth.")
like (cycling-link: "sugar", "poison", "morphine") in the blood. like little flushes of vanilla
for (cycling-link: "egotistic", "bleak and bloated", "cumulative", "worthless, wanting") parasites like you. do you regret
the temples of your glucose, growing (cycling-link: "taller", "weaker", "ancient") in the sun;
your insides, bleached with (cycling-link: "bliss", "pain", "death", "love") and studded decadent with rhinestones
collapsing from oesophagus to lung to small intestine?
(click: "collapsing")[do you recall the stillborn cygnets (cycling-link: "waddling to heaven?", "stagnant in the water?")
do you remember sweet green grass that (cycling-link: "yields to children's sandals?", "whistles under motors?", "stains your knees and elbows?")
do you remember how their eyes were (cycling-link: "beautiful and tender?", "full of your reflection?", "empty in their sockets?")
you'll die and be (cycling-link: "an effigy", "the sacrifice", "a gallery") of what can't be replaced.
bacteria derives from you who cannot be a deity,
who cannot be a martyr or a saint (cycling-link: "that lies in lilacs.", "of their consumption.", "who feasts on smiles.")
who cannot save the world. (cycling-link: "the planet", "their smile", "this poem") is not yours to (cycling-link: "take.", "save.", "eat.")
you would give up but you were never capable of giving,
so steal their smile, their eyes, their love, their body, and their sorrow
that they pray will not reach you as you feed and you [[forget.|a mouthful of wet paper.]]]it was late spring, soon to be summer.
(click: "soon")[under a trinity of stars, you made nightly visits to the river.](click: "visits")[ your first few visits were fruitless, but it hardly discouraged you.]
(click: "it hardly discouraged you.")[every constellation made up the freckles on their cheeks.](click: "constellation")[ the willow whispered to the ash, and all you could hear was their voice.](click: "willow")[ even the shapes of the flowing water reminded you of the pleats of their skirt being lifted by the wind.]
(click: "flowing water")[all your life, you had never known what being in [[love]] with another person felt like](click: "felt like")[ and dismissed it as a child’s folly.]
(click: "folly.")[[[now, it devoured you.|devour]]]if i were to die tomorrow, an autopsy would be performed on my corpse -(click: "autopsy")[ and i am sure that nothing unusual would be found until the pathologist would make their first incision.]
(click: "incision.")[their steady hand would slowly carve my rigid flesh, and flowers would follow the surgical steel.](click: "flowers")[ vines would grow to twist around nitrile gloves and tear at their living skin, searching for a home in something warmer and more vivid than my dead body.]
(click: "searching for a home")[everything i have ever eaten would become a parasite that craves a host, for i know that i have preserved it well.](click: "preserved")[ i live as an amalgamation of what lives inside of me.](click: "inside of me.")[ i live and i know that i am worthy of this life, for it is my blood and my flesh that has transformed the fleeting to the perennial.]
(click: "transformed")[perhaps, the pathologist will understand why insects must crawl into their eyes.](click: "must")[ perhaps, they will understand what i have cultivated - but if they need more answers, they need only to inspect my [[heart.]]]when you saw them from your car on the fourth midnight,(click: "you saw them")[ your heart felt like a dandelion shot through its ventricles.]
(click: "heart")[chloroform rag in hand, you quietly walked over to them.]
(click: "walked over")[their ash-blond hair rippled in the breeze and gave a ghostly appearance to their slender figure.]
(click: "ghostly")[[[this was the single most important moment of your life.|moment]]]there, within its chambers, is [[your name.]]if you were walking through a forest and stumbled upon a beautiful pocketwatch lying amidst the decaying leaves, would you assume that it is part of the landscape?(click: "assume")[ or would you know intrinsically that such a complex and deliberate design implies a designer?]
(click: "complex and deliberate design")[if i were to die tomorrow and become a saint of my own failure, i know that every beautiful thing that escapes my vessel would be cherished, for better or for worse.]
(click: "for worse.")[but what of my vessel, my love?](click: "what")[ the purpose of my life is to become you, and it is by your design that i live and die.]
(click: "by your design")[in the river,](click: "river,")[ in the soil,](click: "soil,")[ in your home,](click: "home,")[ in the moonlight,](click: "moonlight,")[ in the branches,](click: "branches,")[ in the stars,](click: "stars,")[ in the city,](click: "city,")[ in the petals of a flower -](click: "petals of a flower -")[ i know that you are hungry too, for it is our body's [[teleology.|magnolia]]]this was the single most important moment of your life, and [[they turned around.]]without thinking, you tackled them to the ground, taking advantage of their bad leg.(click: "taking advantage")[ they shakily cried out in response, but were muffled by your hand.]
(click: "muffled")[as you clamped the rag over their nose, their eyes flashed wide in fear.](click: "eyes flashed wide")[ the full moon in bloom, the sky in surrender to you.]
(click: "surrender")[they tried screaming again, but the knife in your other hand quickly convinced them that resistance was more dangerous than compliance.]
(click: "dangerous")[trying for reassurance, you shushed them and stroked their hair, but couldn’t resist cutting a lock and bringing it to your lips.](click: "cutting")[ severance was perfection, desecration was rebirth.]
(click: "desecration")[you loved them more than anything, and stared into their filmy eyes as they slowly lost consciousness.]
(click: "slowly")[it took three minutes but felt like the twenty-six years [[you were alive.]]]finally, their body was limp underneath you.
(click: "body")[gently, so gently, you closed their eyes shut and kissed each eyelid.](click: "kissed")[ you cradled them in your arms and carried them to your car, hoping more than anything that they recognised you.]
(click: "they recognised you.")[as you drove home, your hands trembled against the steering wheel.]
(click: "trembled")[the words you muttered to yourself were nonsense:](click: "nonsense:")[ love was an act of consumption and [[consumption was an act of love.]]][[at last, at last, at last, at last, at last!]]the good things you consumed would make you good, and your hunger would be satiated at last.