a reprieve among ghosts.
these shades are old friends...
hello, my name is shades. that is not my "real" name, but it is what you will know me as.
there are several reasons why i am called shades. firstly: long ago, when manyface first began to understand that what we were experiencing was called "being a system", i grew attached to a pair of sunglasses that we owned. i just liked wearing them, and would wear them every time i fronted, even at night. i guess i was just cool like that.
secondly, i like ghosts and shadows and the darkness. i am not an edgy gothic kind of person, so i don't approach these sorts of things with a "halloween spirit" or anything, just an appreciation for the selves we leave behind as we grow and die, and the comforting quiet of the times when everyone else is asleep.
thirdly, i like colours and the variety of hues they come in. i think that it is interesting to take different perspectives on things - to see reality filtered through different shades.
i may sound pretty serious, polite, and reserved. it's a little funny to me that this is what my identity ended up as. this is mentioned in the system about page, but i will say it outright here too: i am the earliest alter we remember having, or at least the first alter we recognised as "someone else". we suspect that therry may have come before me, but it's not entirely clear. what i am trying to say with this is that my identity has been shaped and reshaped over the many years i have been alive, to the point where it feels hazy and confuses me.
as such, i am not here often, and don't get to interact with many people. it is a bit lonely that way, but i try not to let it get to me.
i am slowly working on making fronting and being alive feel "right" again. it's hard to figure out what exactly i like to do when i am so often away, but filling out the favourites section in the sidebar made me realise that there is more to what makes me "me" than i think. so maybe i have less reason to avoid making myself known, because i am actually interesting and unique! that is a nice thought.
i like nature, i like being alive, i like being out in the night, and i like listening to music. the kind of music i like is sometimes cheesy, but it brings me joy.
gender and sexuality-wise, i am a nonbinary and genderqueer lesbian. i am very sure of the nonbinary and genderqueer identities, but not entirely sure if i am really truly a lesbian, because i personally have never been in a relationship. i don't have any plans to be in one, or any desire, really - so i might also be on the aroace spectrum. i just think women are nice and beautiful and cool!
in headspace, i look pretty boring. i look like the body but with hair a richer brown colour, and purple eyes. and sunglasses, of course!
here is a picture i just drew (22nd dec 2023) of what i look like:
even though it is quite simple, i am proud of it because i feel like it actually represents me.
i have a sizable collection of quiz results on this page here.
i am not sure there is much more to say, so i will leave you with a request: next time you are able to, take a few deep breaths of cool night air and really try to feel how you exist in the universe. thank you.